Sliding, and crashing, into the DMs

It's been quite a while since I last posted, but I've had quite a bit happening in my life. Firstly, I got a brand new job that I love! I've switched to working in supply chain Fintech, still specializing in email, and I honestly couldn't be happier. I'm finally accomplishing one of the dreams I've had for a while: work with less stress for more money and a lot more vacation.

But I digress. This post isn't about my lovely new job and the smart, intelligent people I work with. Nor is it about how my life is suddenly happier and more fulfilling than it's been in quite some time.

This is about a former friend who is now decidedly delusional. There is absolutely no way a sane, logical person would make this request of someone they barely ever talk to.

Brief backstory: in 2016, my friends and I went to an America Ninja Warrior competition to be in the on-screen audience. While we were there, I struck up a conversation with one of the athletes. He didn't do well in the competition, but he was nice, funny, and cute. The conversation was pleasant enough for us to find each other on Facebook and Instagram, and we'd occasionally comment friendly encouraging things like "Looks like fun!" or "Hope you're doing well!." But as he lives in Florida, that's all it was: a friendly encouraging Instagram comment every once in a while. No phone calls, no texting; just a small social media well-wish once in a blue moon.

Then about 2-3 months ago, he messaged me saying he was going to be in Atlanta for a competition and that we should meet up. I thought sure, why not see my friend; let's go out to one of my favorite restaurants and hang out (let me preface: there was absolutely no way I was inviting this guy back to my apartment). I thought I had made it clear that we were grabbing dinner as friends and having a nice catch-up-on-life time. However, he apparently thought that things were going to get involved anyway. Once I made it very clear that no, we weren't going to get involved, we were only going to get food, he decided that he always lost at everything and couldn't even get me (as if that was ever an option). Obviously that sentiment pissed me off and I told him to get lost and never contact me again, and I continued through my life job searching and spending time with my real friends without hearing a peep from him.

I honestly thought that was the end of it: we had a falling out, he never tried to reach out and get in touch with me, and he even unfriended me on Facebook and unfollowed me on Instagram. Worked for me, I don't need people like that in my life and never looked back.

Until last night.

When he had the incredibly bright idea

To slide into my DMs

With the most delusional request I've ever received in my life.

Here's what he wrote (with identifying details removed):

I actually starred at this for several minutes, there were so many questions racing through my brain:

1. How dumb does he think I am? 
2. Does he really think I'd ever let him crash at my apartment while he competes on a reality show? (I am not making that up). 
3. How am I the only person he can turn to? Because I'm the only person in his entire network who lives in Atlanta? There's a million other people here, get an AirBnb or hostel if you don't have a budget. Both options exist. 
4. Why would I ever reply back to him? He royally pissed me off before and while I try my best to forgive, I never forget. There are some bridges you just can't mend. 

There's only one thing you can do when something this unbelievable happens: text your best friend. I immediately got the screenshot and sent it off to my best friend and she said the exact phrase I'd been feeling: 

What. The. F***. 

Notice how I still haven't mentioned those dates in his message. That's because I was tired enough to read those dates as February 28th - March 6th; I thought he was asking to crash for a full week (still unacceptable). My BFF made a comment about that duration and after rereading I realized: 

He wasn't asking to crash for a week. 

He was asking to crash for a month. 

As in 30 full days. 

As in 730 hours. 

With someone who didn't want to see him again. 

A FULL MONTH. 

How did this even sound like a plausible idea in his head? "Oh, she doesn't ever want to see me again but it's cool, she'll let me live with her for a month." Yeah, like that's going over well. And he'll pay me back if he wins the competition? Sorry but, you haven't won a single thing yet; my confidence in that regard is so low it's underground. 

So naturally, I decide I'm never responding to this inane proposal. He's not worth my time, this bizarre request of his is not worth my time or energy, and giving the situation any sort of acknowledgement would only open up the door to more drama and unnecessary stress. You know, inviting in the things I've been trying to cut from my life. No thanks, not happening, I'm leaving you on read dude. Have a nice life. 

But...

I was curious.... 

While there was no way I was ever going to respond to him and encourage this situation further, I wanted to know: what would the internet think of this? My best friend and I chatted and thought the good people of reddit might appreciate a so-crazy-it's-true interaction and let me just say: reddit delivered. Keep in mind: I did jazz up the story on reddit just a tad (who wouldn't? Everyone eats up a scandal) but the comments have been making me laugh all day long. 

In a nutshell: when life serves you a side of insanity, ignore the source and use it to entertain the internet. I can say one small thing in his defense though: his crazy DM has made me laugh all day.